Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Inflationary expectations
This year, no wait, past 2 months has just been massive. Massive in the coming of surprises, many offers from bulge bracket banks in London, more interviews scheduled, advancing in a finance competition and all. I feel overwhelmed. No, I don't. That's what worries me. Getting used to being quoted high salaries worries me. Have I changed so much that what is high to someone is just 'normal'/'average' to me? The year old me from 2011 would be astounded but now I am just indifferent to the offered salary, perks etc. I would like to think that I am desensitized to money. It's a nice thing to have, money that is, but it gets overrated too often. I don't want the made-up wine-and-dine lifestyle of bankers or be absorbed into their standards of what is affordable.
I rather enjoy those days as a student on a budget. Having a budget is my idea of fun. Traipsing between stores to save 20cents, even if you don't have to, is alot more fun than what I do now. I use to think people who would pay 20p for a plastic bag at the counter are crazy but now I just take it (too lazy to bring my own shopping bags). It's a small act but it snowballs! I observe the changes in me, and don't like what's taking place. There is FUN in working with budgets, as sadistic as it sounds. I don't want to be that woman who waltzes into a luxury shop and buys whatever she wants without thinking twice. I don't think it's nice when the value of 1 dollar is worth less to you than to others. It's an inflationary effect on your ideals, you get harder to please.
No, I'd rather be the girl who thinks twice about getting the egg cress whole wheat sandwich rather than the tuna sandwich for a 50p difference at Tesco. Though, I do like the feeling of telling my sister I might be getting that Birkin bag since its not really that expensive considering what I get. (I never will, at least not yet, and hopefully long into the future). I appreciate and understand that people do have to work with budgets and that money doesn't come easily to all people. I don't laugh at them, it brings back fond memories, it makes me think of days where I appreciate the small things of life. I still do, just not as before. I still love the smell of freshly cut grass, baking bread, coming rain and the starting smell of the A/C when I just enter a car :) Better than the smell of polished hotel lobbies, jasmine oil on your back in a spa or of chanel no. 5.
I rather enjoy those days as a student on a budget. Having a budget is my idea of fun. Traipsing between stores to save 20cents, even if you don't have to, is alot more fun than what I do now. I use to think people who would pay 20p for a plastic bag at the counter are crazy but now I just take it (too lazy to bring my own shopping bags). It's a small act but it snowballs! I observe the changes in me, and don't like what's taking place. There is FUN in working with budgets, as sadistic as it sounds. I don't want to be that woman who waltzes into a luxury shop and buys whatever she wants without thinking twice. I don't think it's nice when the value of 1 dollar is worth less to you than to others. It's an inflationary effect on your ideals, you get harder to please.
No, I'd rather be the girl who thinks twice about getting the egg cress whole wheat sandwich rather than the tuna sandwich for a 50p difference at Tesco. Though, I do like the feeling of telling my sister I might be getting that Birkin bag since its not really that expensive considering what I get. (I never will, at least not yet, and hopefully long into the future). I appreciate and understand that people do have to work with budgets and that money doesn't come easily to all people. I don't laugh at them, it brings back fond memories, it makes me think of days where I appreciate the small things of life. I still do, just not as before. I still love the smell of freshly cut grass, baking bread, coming rain and the starting smell of the A/C when I just enter a car :) Better than the smell of polished hotel lobbies, jasmine oil on your back in a spa or of chanel no. 5.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Running in the fields, jumping off a plane, boating in the open sea, rafting down the rapids; that's what I really want to do now!
I want the adrenaline; the vast expanse of space, the fresh air and the joy.
I hate the winter, it keeps me at home and limits my movements to the train station, school, clubs, libraries, and private dinner parties. The only sense of exhiliration I get during winter is when I ski. The release of everything else just cascading down the slopes, knees poised controlling your direction. ahhhhhhhh, ok, I am happy already just thinking about that feeling :D
I want the adrenaline; the vast expanse of space, the fresh air and the joy.
I hate the winter, it keeps me at home and limits my movements to the train station, school, clubs, libraries, and private dinner parties. The only sense of exhiliration I get during winter is when I ski. The release of everything else just cascading down the slopes, knees poised controlling your direction. ahhhhhhhh, ok, I am happy already just thinking about that feeling :D
Thursday, December 29, 2011
There is more
Do we live life to consume?
It seems that our aims all glaringly point to a marketer's world. We live in a world people created for us. Our happiness, sadness, fears, anger - how we react, is all defined for us.
You are supposed to feel sad when your grandmother dies, after all, she is a loved one. That's what society says. So we cough up some measure of emotion and dwell on it. As one knows, the longer you dwell on something, the larger it grows. Lo and behold, you do feel sad, and relieved for that was what you were supposed to feel anyway. You are human, not some desensitized object society would have labelled you as. It really doesn't matter that you haven't spoken to your grandma in ages. It doesn't matter that she may not recognize you or remember your name. All that matters is that you once met and that you share the same blood.
And I could go on about how our joys are defined to us.
20% joy is 1 prada bag at $2400 + 1 Louie Vuitton wallet.
30% joy is 2 prada bags at $2600 and so on.
Have we seriously found joy in consuming? Why have we entered the level where we let products define us, that we take on a product's attributes?
Just the other day I was thinking about success. Since I have a close knit community in church where people know me from young, people form expectations about you. A young soul like me, eager to succeed cannot resist the temptation of success, pride getting the better of me. Eager to prove oneself, go beyond the realms of the unexpected. But what if I had no expectations of myself to exceed, would the desire for achievement still be that strong siren call within me? Would simplicity still be that putrefying flesh it is to me?
Sometimes my desire for achievement builds up so large in me it frightens me. Have you had that feeling when you yearn for something so much your life revolves around it; its seed a cancer in your heart, a diseased flesh. It frightens me. It fills my eyes with tears if thoughts of that fruit so present itself as unattainable and if that thought should so jarringly trespass on my consciousness. Another part of me wars within myself that my worth is not determined by my career achievements. Why is the taste of simplicity and ordinariness so bitter on my tongue? And if I can't live as the successful high-flyer, I'd rather dance on the wild side and challenge every base expectations once held of me. Ordinariness is simply not a choice. How far on should my pride be worn down for me to appreciate the beauty of the ordinary life? People who find joy in their simple lives, I hold honest respect for them because they are able to do something, to hold on to something I can't. They are the greater warriors with a happy ending because their happiness is a choice they choose to define by themselves.
All these thoughts, these barrage of emotions sweeps through me and I am helpless, like the little girl in a pool; toes pointed downwards desperately feeling for the floor that never comes.
My feelings are very poignantly summed up by these verses from the bible, which are a refuge for me.
Ecclesiastes 1:9 - 11
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 No one remembers the former generations,
and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow them.
And the answer revealed; Ecclesiastes 12: 13-14
13 Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
14 For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
And the answer jars me because my desire for achievement is that beast I have yet to subdue but it pleases me for I know my life is not due, my journey not over for if there is one thing I look forward to; it's understanding, growing and developing. It reminds me I am still alive.
It seems that our aims all glaringly point to a marketer's world. We live in a world people created for us. Our happiness, sadness, fears, anger - how we react, is all defined for us.
You are supposed to feel sad when your grandmother dies, after all, she is a loved one. That's what society says. So we cough up some measure of emotion and dwell on it. As one knows, the longer you dwell on something, the larger it grows. Lo and behold, you do feel sad, and relieved for that was what you were supposed to feel anyway. You are human, not some desensitized object society would have labelled you as. It really doesn't matter that you haven't spoken to your grandma in ages. It doesn't matter that she may not recognize you or remember your name. All that matters is that you once met and that you share the same blood.
And I could go on about how our joys are defined to us.
20% joy is 1 prada bag at $2400 + 1 Louie Vuitton wallet.
30% joy is 2 prada bags at $2600 and so on.
Have we seriously found joy in consuming? Why have we entered the level where we let products define us, that we take on a product's attributes?
Just the other day I was thinking about success. Since I have a close knit community in church where people know me from young, people form expectations about you. A young soul like me, eager to succeed cannot resist the temptation of success, pride getting the better of me. Eager to prove oneself, go beyond the realms of the unexpected. But what if I had no expectations of myself to exceed, would the desire for achievement still be that strong siren call within me? Would simplicity still be that putrefying flesh it is to me?
Sometimes my desire for achievement builds up so large in me it frightens me. Have you had that feeling when you yearn for something so much your life revolves around it; its seed a cancer in your heart, a diseased flesh. It frightens me. It fills my eyes with tears if thoughts of that fruit so present itself as unattainable and if that thought should so jarringly trespass on my consciousness. Another part of me wars within myself that my worth is not determined by my career achievements. Why is the taste of simplicity and ordinariness so bitter on my tongue? And if I can't live as the successful high-flyer, I'd rather dance on the wild side and challenge every base expectations once held of me. Ordinariness is simply not a choice. How far on should my pride be worn down for me to appreciate the beauty of the ordinary life? People who find joy in their simple lives, I hold honest respect for them because they are able to do something, to hold on to something I can't. They are the greater warriors with a happy ending because their happiness is a choice they choose to define by themselves.
All these thoughts, these barrage of emotions sweeps through me and I am helpless, like the little girl in a pool; toes pointed downwards desperately feeling for the floor that never comes.
My feelings are very poignantly summed up by these verses from the bible, which are a refuge for me.
Ecclesiastes 1:9 - 11
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 No one remembers the former generations,
and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow them.
And the answer revealed; Ecclesiastes 12: 13-14
13 Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
14 For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
And the answer jars me because my desire for achievement is that beast I have yet to subdue but it pleases me for I know my life is not due, my journey not over for if there is one thing I look forward to; it's understanding, growing and developing. It reminds me I am still alive.
My wooden legs are gone
My back is no longer against the wall, I'll face this monster of feelings.My childish pride has disengaged me from feeling;
from treasuring the bonds of human relationships.
I've closed my heart, my thoughts to feelings;
from the very thing that defines us.
Can I begin to regain this lost era?
Time has taught me that emotions are not the flag of the weak;
like the wasted ideologies I so futilely clung to in the past.
But I feel now, the loss of the times wasted
I treasure the love, anger, joy and - our fear
The mile I'd go now is a mile further than the past.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The beginning of something, some called it a seed. I call it hope.
This is not about talking to myself, this is about preserving my thoughts and memories :)
Recently, some thoughts entered my head. Special ones, painful ones, wise ones. Why is it so hard to obtain a macro view on everything? This is going to be structureless, as I always am. When I am at this stage, everyone is smart, you can't differentiate yourself or always give in to the 'but i'm like this' kindda situation and expect others to put up with you. That has been me for the longest time ever, and I admit, it is selfish. I dislike selfish people because they are the masses, and my behvaiour like that makes me one of them. For the longest time, I have been stuck with the 'take-it-or-leave-it' attitude of myself, you either like me or you don't and I simply don't care whatever you choose. That sounds cool, doesn't it? But it's not. It's simply being lazy, because it is the simplest way out not to put in any effort to understand people and be empathetic and adapt for them at times. It's all about balance, retaining yourself and your principles while yet sparing a thought for others.
I've learnt many things in my two months here in Sweden. Firstly, I still go through the days in wide eyed disbelief. Can it be true that I really am here, far away from my parents. Am I really a student at SSE, an official one? Am I truly alone, independent, like an adult? I REALLY AM! Yes, so it may seem common to everyone else doing the same, my fellow classmates and all, but it's really special to me. I've been brought up in an environment where I'd never dreamt, never considered, never heard of people going abroad to study unless they were a) darn clever to receive a scholarship or b) darn rich to spend close to half a million for an inbestment you aren't sure will pay off. Well, I'm neither, yes,I know I'm not a brainiac even though sometimes I act like I am (pardon me). So what am I doing here? Hmm.. I have an inkling but it's still some way. I've got plenty to learn. I really want to reach the 'destination' soon! But I know, the journey is not going to be easy. My daily engagement with Oswald Chambers taught me some important things. Life's difficulties lies not in the ups or downs, but in the commanality of everyday life, the drudgery, the boring everyday routine. In such a huge part, I agree with that. Life is not always a movie, we do have times that we are bored, or just plain humans. I have to accept that.
I have learnt alot about working in teams too. A good leader or person doesn't necessarily always mean being able to work in a perfect group or have perfect group dynamics. He isn't always able to influence people, or get the things he wants all the time. Sometimes, you don't always have to blame failure on yourself. Yes, it's weird to say this because most people blame failure externally. It's a different case for me. Anything that goes wrong, I blame it on myself. I COULD have done something, at least something that might have changed the situation. I keep thinking that what if so-and-so were in this situation, what would he/she do? I bet he/she would not be in the same fix as I am. I'm not a pessimist, I think I am just a perfectionist, no wait, an egoist, because I believe that I can do anything/everything if only I tried or was smart enough. And in reality, I'm neither and I'm an egoist to think myself that great.
Now that is alot of rant. I am going to take a deep breath, remember my goals, THE LONG TERM ONES, smile alot, step back a little sometimes for a fresh perspective, step back in again to concentrate on the details a little (I am too undetailed oriented!) and of course, develop a structure.
Why am I not willing to invest time in structure and details? I need to work on those!
Recently, some thoughts entered my head. Special ones, painful ones, wise ones. Why is it so hard to obtain a macro view on everything? This is going to be structureless, as I always am. When I am at this stage, everyone is smart, you can't differentiate yourself or always give in to the 'but i'm like this' kindda situation and expect others to put up with you. That has been me for the longest time ever, and I admit, it is selfish. I dislike selfish people because they are the masses, and my behvaiour like that makes me one of them. For the longest time, I have been stuck with the 'take-it-or-leave-it' attitude of myself, you either like me or you don't and I simply don't care whatever you choose. That sounds cool, doesn't it? But it's not. It's simply being lazy, because it is the simplest way out not to put in any effort to understand people and be empathetic and adapt for them at times. It's all about balance, retaining yourself and your principles while yet sparing a thought for others.
I've learnt many things in my two months here in Sweden. Firstly, I still go through the days in wide eyed disbelief. Can it be true that I really am here, far away from my parents. Am I really a student at SSE, an official one? Am I truly alone, independent, like an adult? I REALLY AM! Yes, so it may seem common to everyone else doing the same, my fellow classmates and all, but it's really special to me. I've been brought up in an environment where I'd never dreamt, never considered, never heard of people going abroad to study unless they were a) darn clever to receive a scholarship or b) darn rich to spend close to half a million for an inbestment you aren't sure will pay off. Well, I'm neither, yes,I know I'm not a brainiac even though sometimes I act like I am (pardon me). So what am I doing here? Hmm.. I have an inkling but it's still some way. I've got plenty to learn. I really want to reach the 'destination' soon! But I know, the journey is not going to be easy. My daily engagement with Oswald Chambers taught me some important things. Life's difficulties lies not in the ups or downs, but in the commanality of everyday life, the drudgery, the boring everyday routine. In such a huge part, I agree with that. Life is not always a movie, we do have times that we are bored, or just plain humans. I have to accept that.
I have learnt alot about working in teams too. A good leader or person doesn't necessarily always mean being able to work in a perfect group or have perfect group dynamics. He isn't always able to influence people, or get the things he wants all the time. Sometimes, you don't always have to blame failure on yourself. Yes, it's weird to say this because most people blame failure externally. It's a different case for me. Anything that goes wrong, I blame it on myself. I COULD have done something, at least something that might have changed the situation. I keep thinking that what if so-and-so were in this situation, what would he/she do? I bet he/she would not be in the same fix as I am. I'm not a pessimist, I think I am just a perfectionist, no wait, an egoist, because I believe that I can do anything/everything if only I tried or was smart enough. And in reality, I'm neither and I'm an egoist to think myself that great.
Now that is alot of rant. I am going to take a deep breath, remember my goals, THE LONG TERM ONES, smile alot, step back a little sometimes for a fresh perspective, step back in again to concentrate on the details a little (I am too undetailed oriented!) and of course, develop a structure.
Why am I not willing to invest time in structure and details? I need to work on those!
Friday, July 30, 2010
17 days to Stockholm!
I still feel nothing, ok, maybe a little trepidation. 2 years doesn't seem like forever anyway.
Things that I might need to do soon include
#1: stocking up on seaweed and peanut butter
#2: Looking for a good church to attend in Sweden
#3: suspend my sg gym membership and sign up for a swedish one
#4: start learning some swedish. My peers all seemed to have conquered some aspects of it. Their spewing of Swedish (or maybe a different language?) is putting UNNECESSARY pressure on me.
#5: Look for good volunteer opportunities, am considering some options now.
#6: stop thinking of things to buy, it's not like my luggage is made of rubber.
I am looking forward to my privacy! My mom knows too much of my life now, I can't grow though I do enjoy her concern. She asks about almost everything and I feel bad if I leave her out of the loop. I guess I need to balance my life with her love. Now I won't feel so guilty if I have a part of my life for me myself :)
Yesterday I saw a snapshot of my run at the Shape event by true fluke, captured by a stranger and posted on flicker! I was in the journey of finding out how the winners of the run looked like (well, I just like to see how winners look like) and I saw this small image of someone who had the same attire as me. Lo and Behold, it was me! What are the odds of firstly, someone taking a shot of me amidst the 10,000 runners? And secondly, that I would find the picture of me, the untagged, nameless runner amidst the vast www?
Oh well, it's a happy surprise! Ok, I have been on my butt for too long, time to get moving, the weather calls for some fresh air! Already I can taste the dampness in the air and hear the sound of tyres on wet roads (it has such a unique sound, a little hard to describe, just a very heavy, wet and lingering sound).
I still feel nothing, ok, maybe a little trepidation. 2 years doesn't seem like forever anyway.
Things that I might need to do soon include
#1: stocking up on seaweed and peanut butter
#2: Looking for a good church to attend in Sweden
#3: suspend my sg gym membership and sign up for a swedish one
#4: start learning some swedish. My peers all seemed to have conquered some aspects of it. Their spewing of Swedish (or maybe a different language?) is putting UNNECESSARY pressure on me.
#5: Look for good volunteer opportunities, am considering some options now.
#6: stop thinking of things to buy, it's not like my luggage is made of rubber.
I am looking forward to my privacy! My mom knows too much of my life now, I can't grow though I do enjoy her concern. She asks about almost everything and I feel bad if I leave her out of the loop. I guess I need to balance my life with her love. Now I won't feel so guilty if I have a part of my life for me myself :)
Yesterday I saw a snapshot of my run at the Shape event by true fluke, captured by a stranger and posted on flicker! I was in the journey of finding out how the winners of the run looked like (well, I just like to see how winners look like) and I saw this small image of someone who had the same attire as me. Lo and Behold, it was me! What are the odds of firstly, someone taking a shot of me amidst the 10,000 runners? And secondly, that I would find the picture of me, the untagged, nameless runner amidst the vast www?
Oh well, it's a happy surprise! Ok, I have been on my butt for too long, time to get moving, the weather calls for some fresh air! Already I can taste the dampness in the air and hear the sound of tyres on wet roads (it has such a unique sound, a little hard to describe, just a very heavy, wet and lingering sound).
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